The Why

This is my fourth attempt at a blog.  The first I programmed myself in high school before the word "blog" even existed.  It was mostly teenage ranting.  I started my second after I decided to quit my job and pursue music.  That quickly fizzled out when I realized I had no idea what I was doing with my life.  I started my third after six months of sobriety, after a series of life events blew my world apart.  I traded in that blog for more dependency.  And here's the fourth one, 3+ years into the path I chose for myself, the only real decision I feel I've made for myself, a path that's still mostly and dark and murky and fraught with daily struggles.

I thought it was my full-time job that was holding me back creatively, that quitting would free me up to do what I really wanted: create music.  While I have managed to do some of that, the past three years have been mostly a direct confrontation with myself and all the swirling patterns that exist within me and my culture.  

One thing that has been lacking in my life is a sense of purpose.  If I only knew where I was going, why I am existing now, then maybe the obstacles wouldn't seem so huge and impossible to overcome.  Without clear purpose, intention, the core "why" of what I'm doing, everything becomes an obstacle and I'm left overwhelmed by seemingly simple life-things, frozen and unable to connect with others.  

If there's one thing I identify with it's feeling powerless, that I don't have a voice.  So the purpose of this blog is to give myself a voice, a semi-public outlet for what I'm feeling and what I'm struggling with. Because sharing my true feelings directly with most people is too painful.  Because I don't trust people with emotions.  I don't trust my emotions.  

It's when I need to share myself the most that I hide away and lose myself in the murk, able to see other humans but unable to connect.  And I know that there are others out there who feel the same way, as much as I don't want to admit that I'm not unique in what I'm going through.  So if my voice in its many forms can give a little hope or a little bit more vocal power to others, then that right there is some life purpose.

This morning I wrote a little poem type jawn to start off with.  This is where I am at the moment and this is how I feel.  I hope to answer some of these questions as I continue to figure out how to deal with this life thing.  Because to not answer them for me is the loneliest and darkest of slow self destruction processes and I can't live life that way anymore, in silent suffering.

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How will I know myself without pain and suffering?

How will I accept love and compassion when these are the most threatening things of all?

How will I love myself when my culture loves violence and hatred?

How will I exist without these walls of protection?  Will I erode, picked clean by scavengers?

How will I feel good with mostly endogenous chemicals leading the way?

How will I talk to you if I don't have a voice?

How do I choose without the power of choice?

How can I be helped if I feel completely helpless?

How can I desire if it eats me alive, unexpressed and inexpressible?

How can I see you if I can't see past myself?

How can I exist if I don't trust existence?

How do I reconcile I am-ness with ego?

Why is my culture so fucked up about sex when it is the most fundamental thing there is?

Why does sexual abuse exist?

Why can't you see me?

Why can't you hear what I am saying?

How can I help?