People Look Away

Oftentimes when I'm feeling shitty, in the dumps, depressed, I don't know what to do.  It's like I have this raging emotion inside of me, but any outlet of it is essentially sound waves bouncing off empty walls.  It feels like I'm struggling against something that isn't real, arguing against someone who isn't there.  And that doesn't make any sense to me.  And I'm struggling with that at the moment.

The thing about it is that I seem to be stuck in the cycle of it, the loop.  Not just me, there are a lot of people living out trauma and living with trauma.  I would even tend to say that life itself is trauma and then some people get a much shittier end of the stick than others.

On the level of society and day-to-day, I can't complain.  I can take Lyfts wherever and get my groceries delivered.  I don't have to deal with how I look, the color of my skin, or my perceived gender.  No one really gives a fuck.

But at the same time, I struggle to eat some days, sometimes for stretches.  Like, what's the point?  It's a hassle.  It's work.  It's not enjoyable, it's something I have to do because to not do it gets uncomfortable.  And over the long term, my lack of healthy eating habits is turning into digestive issues.  Awareness is a good thing, but food is stocked up in the fridge and making oatmeal is a struggle.

I have all the resources I need, I want for nothing, and yet I feel like I'm behind glass a lot of the time.  Screaming to emptiness.  I screamed the other day, really just let it out, just gutteral vocal shredding and spit and throwing things and pure rage.  Found out later the upstairs neighbor was alarmed and grabbed his gun.

I have this power inside of me to terrify people, I think.  That's how it feels to me.  I mean, my emotions are terrifying to me and so it's natural to think that others are scared of them as well.  I mean, people don't like to look at trauma.  When you've got it in your eyes, kid, most of em will look away and those that smile are not to be trusted.

That's my reality.  That's my existence.  And that's others' as well, and so I guess the key to this whole thing is to start focusing on helping other people with this stuff.  I've gotten better, I've realized some things and so maybe I can be more directed in my efforts to externalize my trauma in a positive way that helps others.