Do I Trust You?

Dear yous,

Fuck off.

I'm sorry, that came off a little harsh.  What I meant to say is that I probably don't trust you all that much, by default, if we haven't met before and interacted...for at least a few months.  Maybe a few years.

Intimacy is slow for me.  And "Fuck off" is kind of my default mode.  By default, you are not to be trusted until I know you're not gonna hurt me.  That you will respect my feelings and boundaries.  This world does not respect boundaries by default, and so I have to try extra hard to make sure mine stay intact.

If you violate my boundaries, I probably will stay away from you.  I probably won't say anything.  In my mind, I'd really like to scream "Fuck off" in your face, but that never really happens.  The best I can seem to do is to scream anything at the top of my lungs, mostly when I'm alone...or maybe walking down the street, because it's OK to scream on the street here.  I like that a lot.

All this fuck offery, obviously, of course, is not becoming in terms of establishing relationships.  That's my problem, yous, is that I'd really like to get to know some of you on a deeper level, but my fuck offery won't allow it.  I put up a huge barrier up front and if you stick around long enough you'll see past it.  Or another way to put it is if I can trust you to deal with my fuck offery long enough, we can become deeper friends.  Whatever.

What I'm really trying to say, yous, is that I feel just as defeated and depressed as I have been - I can't seem to shake the thing despite little moments here or there.  I am alone most of the time and when that happens it just takes too much energy to reach out.  To make an effort to connect.  So here I will be until something external comes along to change it or until I change it myself.  Who knows.

Part of me isn't worried.  I've been here before.  I will find a new gig for money, and that will hopefully be good for a while.  I'm getting married.  That's good.  Lots of good stuff in my life.  But, of course, the external stuff doesn't so much matter when the internal stuff is shitty.

If you've read this far, yous, then we might just be friends.  You put up with my front long enough to see that I'm really feeling vulnerable, unsure of how to deal with these feelings.  If nothing else, I reached out this way for the day.

Time to give myself a fucking star.

Peace,
Casey