Indirect Control

Dear yous,

For the longest time I would struggle to play a song the whole way through.  I mean, I could do it, but it took so much ENERGY and so I was exhausted at the end.  There were so many things to manage: playing the right notes, singing on pitch, people looking at you.

Part of the thing is that I never really practiced songs the whole way through.  I took a more superstitious approach - if the environment was right, then I would naturally open up and could perform and feel great doing it.  I'd practice everything around the songs but never songs themselves.  I'd record songs, but rarely sing or record full takes.

I realized I feel the same way about intimacy.  I can only stand little bits and then I have to either escape or alter myself to feel better about it, because intimacy feels like death sometimes.

The thing about intimacy that feels important to me is the aspect of continuity.  Music is an intimate thing, watching someone perform, playing their heart out, or playing your heart out yourself.  It's like, can you trust that I'm going to influence the way you feel by projecting myself, literally, out into the room.  Can I trust that you'll accept me?

When I watch someone who is nervous and worried about hitting the wrong notes, I can feel that.  It's hard to build continuity.  When some is relaxed and just playing, the space fills with that energy. 

In interacting with others this weekend, I felt a sense of continuity on all levels.  Interactions felt continuous rather than discrete.  What I mean by that is my interactions with others usually feel tense and "incomplete" as if there's something more to do or say.   When I feel continuous like I did this weekend, my actions and interactions feel complete.    Each breath is a breath.  Each word is a word.  And I'm at a lever deeper than those things, connected to the environment and free to interact.

It's a process of opening and closing, preferably with intent, preferably with defenses appropriate to the situation, which may be none at all.  Lately, I've really been feeling this.  I've opened up but it's hard for me to maintain.  It's too bright.  I feel too powerful.   That feels burdensome.  If the environment notices me, I have to deal with it.

So, like learning to play a new song, you play it crappy for a while and mess up the words.  Play it 100 times and you don't have to think about it anymore.

I feel like that with intimacy at the moment.  I can kinda play the notes but I feel like a little scratchy violin student.  Open up, withdraw, open up.  I guess I don't need to be so extreme about it, but I still am realizing my power in this aspect.  I'm still acting out of the superstition.

If I can control the environment, then I will be OK.  I think that's a pretty universal way people handle things.

With love,
Casey